Valentine Tips

Overview

A list of Valentines tips, introduced with the Spring Fling 2012

A Love Struck Rikti

To Kelly Uqua from A Love Struck Rikti...

Hopping along the street is a Rikti monkey with a teal bow tied to his head and a note attached. You capture the monkey, whose particularly vivid odor is a combination of a diet consisting of cheese puffs and energy drinks along with a generous application of popularized men's body spray. The attached note is addressed to Kelly Uqua, it reads:

My heart: Aching.
My knees: Quaking.
Result of your hostility: Harm.
Desired place for you: My arm.
Request: Say yes.
My feelings for you: Confess.
Our love: Forever.
Alone: Never.


This isn't a normal Rikti to Human translation job; its definitely the work of either a human trying to write like a Rikti, or a Rikti who has been studying human language patterns and is trying to write in a more human manner. Either way, it's a Valentine intended for Kelly Uqua involving someone with access to a Rikti monkey... and a particularly stinky Rikti monkey at that.

You could deliver the Valentine to her as intended, or take it to Ambassador Kuhr'Rekt in order to stomp out whatever Human-Rikti relationship is going on here before it starts.

This Valentine could be delivered to Kelly Uqua... or if you wanted to be a little troublemaker, you could deliver it to Ambassador Kuhr'Rekt instead.

Kelly Uqua:
Kelly squirms uncomfortably as you present her the Rikti monkey, which is busy gnawing on one of its toes.

H-h ha ha... This couldn't be for me.

She reaches out and takes the note from the distracted Rikti monkey, which snaps at her hand playfully before expelling a flatus and dramatically waving a hand in the air. Crinkling her nose at the creature, Kelly takes a step back and looks over the note before reading it, blushing as she does so.

Who did you get this from? Tell me! I will pay you, just tell me... please...

Ambassador Kuhr'Rekt:

Anti-Matter

To Praetor Duncan from Anti-Matter...

A fancy letter laser burned into a paper-thin sheet of an unfamiliar metal catches your eye. You read the message on it:

I have longed for you from afar, wishing only to be close. I would be honored if you were to give me the chance to prove my worth to you. Please join me for dinner at the Olympus Club tonight at 7:00 pm. I believe if we gave each other an honest chance that we could find true love together.

With great sincerity,
-Dr. Raymond Keyes

Keyes is blind if he thinks that it's news that he has the hots for the Emperor's granddaughter. Still, love is in the air, if there is a chance of this happening, maybe this is that time.

On the other hand, you know that Neuron loves to cut things close to the wire. Chances are he hasn't even made plans tonight with his incredibly jealous girlfriend, Bobcat, and boy is she one to hold a grudge. If you were to deliver this invitation to her instead, she just might decide to 'teach Steven a lesson' and show up to dinner with Raymond instead. You hope the Olympus Club's insurance policy covers disintegration via orbital bombardment.

This Valentine could be delivered to Praetor Duncan... or if you wanted to be a little troublemaker, you could deliver it to Bobcat instead.

Praetor Duncan:

Bobcat:

Desperate Guy

From Desperate Guy to Turndown Girl

You've found a Valentine bag, filled to the brim with every commercially advertised Valentine's Day gift including, but not limited to: A heart shaped box of chocolates, a cuddly teddy bear, scented candles, a mass produced gold necklace with a heart shaped pendant, two tickets to the opera, a bottle of champagne, a bag of heart shaped sugar candies with simple words printed on them, and a confused looking white kitten with a bow on its head and a note attached. It reads:

Every night is like the first I beg and plead I quench your thirst Drinks and lines I've tried in vain Please won't you simply give me your name? I know in my heart that you're the one So one last time I'll try, and then I'm done If you find my gifts to be sweet You know where to find me... the kitten's name is Pete.

This is so desperate only one man could be responsible, that guy in Pocket D. It must be for that girl you see him trying desperately to talk to every night; Turndown Girl. On the other hand, you're pretty sure that War Witch gave that guy dagger eyes the first time he tried to talk to her and he never tried again. Giving the basket to her could lead to some interesting times. This Valentine could be delivered to Turndown Girl... or if you wanted to be a little troublemaker, you could deliver it to War Witch instead.

On the other hand, you're pretty sure that War Witch gave that guy dagger eyes the first time he tried to talk to her and he never tried again. Giving the basket to her could lead to some interesting times.

This Valentine could be delivered to Turndown Girl... or if you wanted to be a little troublemaker, you could deliver it to War Witch instead.

Turndown Girl:

What in the world is all of that?

Turndown Girl glances over the contents of the gift basket for the briefest of moments and then notices Desperate Guy's hopeful look and rolls her eyes.

Wow... this is all really... really... cheap trash! I hope you got a good discount for buying this junk in bulk, because I'm pretty sure you can't return any of it. Oh, here's an idea, go to the university and find a girl there. I'm sure there is at least one of them that hasn't discovered good taste yet.

War Witch:
War Witch just gives you a look as you deposit the gift basket in front of her. She spies the kitten, picks it up and reads the attached note. After a moment she accepts the gifts and motions for you to move along while she quietly opens the box of chocolates and looks around with guilty eyes.

Efficiency Expert Pither

From Efficiency Expert Pither o Olivia Darque

Olivia Darque :

Yes, I know Pither needs the efficiency reports, I'm doing everything I can to get them... Wait... Why doesn't he want me to bring them to his office at 8 pm, that's way after his office normally closes... Oh... Oh! I see... Well, thank you for delivering me this important message, Character.

Internet

To Television from Internet...

You find a discarded color printer in an alleyway. Sticking up out of the printing slot is a colorful flyer for the local cable company with a Valentine's Day sale motif:

Dominating the middle of the flyer are the words

'Valentines Day: Match-Made-In-Heaven Extravaganza! Television + Internet FOREVER!!!'

Around the message are way too many exclamation points and more hearts in more shades of pink and red than your eyes feel comfortable staring at for long.

You wonder what the story behind this is. You're sure that Television could shed some light on this, but perhaps the Radio has something about it on the airwaves.

This Valentine could be delivered to Television... or if you wanted to be a little troublemaker, you could deliver it to The Radio instead.

The Television:

The Radio: The Radio is awash with static and then suddenly a voice erupts from the speakers,

'This is Radio Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Opportunity, coming to you live with this breaking news. Scientists agree that the internet is the worst invention of all time and has done nothing but destroy society. Life is, and always will be, better with the freedom that only Radio can offer. Coming up in local news; Does watching television makes you dumber? Evidence suggests yes, yes it does. Now, back to a solid block of radical tunes all the way back from the 1980s...'

A song with a catchy tune that you know most of the words for begins and threatens to stick with you for the rest of the day.

Synapse

To Synapse from Synapse...

You find a six pack of Paragon Pale Ale with an attached note. It reads:

Hey buddy, Just a reminder from yourself that somebody cares about you: yourself. Here's something to look forward to on Valentine's Day just in case you end up striking out. -Synapse

Hmmm, apparently Synapse has covered all his bases, readying for an apparently uneventful Valentine's Day. You could deliver his present to him, but on the other hand, you've never seen Swan with anyone. At the very least, maybe she would like to kick back with Synapse. And who knows, maybe something will spark.

This Valentine could be delivered to Synapse... or if you wanted to be a little troublemaker, you could deliver it to Swan instead.

Synapse: Hey, alright, what's the occasion?

As you begin to mention the card you realize that it is gone and find that it is burning on the ground not far from you. Synapse gives you a look as if he had nothing to do with that.

Nice of you to bring me this Valentine's gift, Character. Very thoughtful.

Swan:
Swan reads the card and glances to the beverages, then back to the card.

This is so sad. Why hasn't that dummy found a date yet? I mean, sheesh, I'd date him...

Swan gives you a look like, 'did I just say that out loud?'

Right, so... I guess I'll go take these to Synapse then? Thanks, Character.. Wish me luck.

Arbiter Sands

From Arbiter Sands to Mynx

You discover an unsealed manila envelope with the name Mynx scrawled on the front. Inside you find a handwritten letter on nicely textured paper that reads as follows:

Dearest Katherine,

I hope this letter does not reach you too late, and that there is still time for me to explain myself, or rather, to explain the void of my being in your life as of late.

What we had, at least for me, was wonderful, and there is nothing more in this world that I would like than to be with you again. However, as we discussed, things are complicated between us, and the world seems out of my control. My loyalties cannot come into question or it will surely spell my doom, yet here I am, throwing caution to the wind by sending a message to you at all. Please understand that my silence does not mean that I do not wish to speak with you, but rather, it is necessary to ensure I have a chance in the future to see you once more.

Were the spiders on the walls to see or hear of what I feel for you, death would follow swiftly. For both of our sakes, I ask that you wait for me to contact you when it is safe. Do not seek me out for it will endanger us both.

-Sands.

What in the world? This letter suggests that the hero, Mynx, is romantically involved with none other than Arbiter Sands of Arachnos! You should deliver this to Mynx and see if there is any truth to this. On the other hand, if there is truth to this maybe it would be best for the leader of the Vindicators to handle it instead. After all, if Mynx and an Arachnos Arbiter are involved romantically, it could be an issue of life and death that she have the evidence necessary to get to the truth of things. Either way... awkward! This Valentine could be delivered to Mynx... or if you wanted to be a little troublemaker, you could deliver it to Ms. Liberty instead.

Deliver to Mynx:

What's that? Mynx eyes the manila envelope with suspicion before opening it and reading the letter inside. About halfway down the letter, she peers at you with fear-filled eyes and demands, Did you read this!? Listen, listen, it's... it's complicated, ok? Love does weird things to a person, and, like, I don't even know if I -am- in love, or if Sands can be trusted, alright? I'm trying to figure things out. I'm not going to betray anybody, I just... I just need to find out what all of this means, where all of this is going... Don't tell Sidechick, she'll flip her lid and probably tell me to spy on Arachnos or something. Argh, I'm so confused about what to do!

Deliver to Ms. Liberty:

Citadel

To Luminary from Citadel

Your cell phone receives a text message from Citadel. It reads:

01001001 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01100011 01100101 01110011 01110011 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101110 01100011 01100101 01110000 01110100 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01110011 01101111 01101101 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101001 01101101 01100101 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101110 01100011 01101100 01110101 01100100 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110100 01110111 01101111 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100110 01100110 01100101 01110010 01100101 01101110 01110100 00100000 01100010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01100101 01110001 01110101 01100001 01101100 00100000 01100001 01110010 01110100 01101001 01100110 01101001 01100011 01101001 01100001 01101100 00100000 01101001 01101110 01110100 01100101 01101100 01101100 01101001 01100111 01100101 01101110 01100011 01100101 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110111 01100101 00100000 01110011 01101000 01101111 01110101 01101100 01100100 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101101 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100101 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101100 01101100 01100101 01100011 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01110011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01101001 01101110 01100110 01101111 01110010 01101101 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110011 01100101 01100101 01101011 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100011 01110010 01100101 01100001 01110100 01100101 00100000 01110011 01101111 01101101 01100101 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100111 01110010 01100101 01100001 01110100 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01101110 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01110111 01101111 00100000 01110000 01100001 01110010 01110100 01110011 00101110 00100000 01010111 01101111 01110101 01101100 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100010 01100101 00100000 01101111 01110000 01100101 01101110 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101001 01100100 01100101 01100001 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 01101101 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100110 01100001 01101101 01101001 01101100 01111001 00100000 01110101 01101110 01101001 01110100 00100000 01110111 01101000 01101111 01110011 01100101 00100000 01110000 01110101 01110010 01110000 01101111 01110011 01100101 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100011 01110010 01100101 01100001 01110100 01100101 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01110100 01100101 01100011 01110100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01101110 01100101 01110111 00100000 01100001 01110010 01110100 01101001 01100110 01101001 01100011 01101001 01100001 01101100 00100000 01101100 01101001 01100110 01100101 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 01101101 00111111 00100110 00100011 00110110 00110101 00110101 00110011 00110011 00111011

Editor's Note:

This binary text translates to: "I have processed this concept for some time and concluded that as two different but equal artificial intelligences that we should combine our collections of information and seek to create something greater than our two parts. Would you be open to the idea of forming a family unit whose purpose is to create and protect a new artificial life form?"

Well, with all the estranged Valentine's scattered around this year you have a feeling this is just a digital signal that accidentally got routed to your cell number rather than to the original recipient.

Luminary might like to have a look at this... or Nightstar. This Valentine could be delivered to Luminary... or if you wanted to be a little troublemaker, you could deliver it to Nightstar instead.

Luminary:
My services are at your disposal, Sleepy Kitty. Oh, what's this?

Luminary reviews the phone message in the span of a heartbeat and then looks over to Citadel.

Yes!

Nightstar:

Mynx

From Mynx to Arbiter Sands

You discover a carefully folded sheet of college ruled notebook paper with a message written inside with purple ink. Opening it, you read the following:

Sands, I don't know why I'm even writing you. Maybe something about the holiday convinced me to give this thing between us another shot. Either way, I can't help but feel like we are doing something incredibly dumb here. What if someone in Arachnos or the Vindicators finds out?

I'll be at Pocket D tonight and would like it if you at least stopped by for a drink so we can talk.

If you want to get together, I'm willing to keep us a secret for a little while longer, at least until I've figured out how to tell Megan. If not, well, we both know which side we're on.

Love,
-Katherine.

Vindicators? Katherine? Megan?

Oh dear, this sounds like Katherine, as in, Katherine Stevens, the fiesty feline femme fatale known as Mynx, is involved romantically with Arbiter Sands. Surely Sands would see fit to reward you well for bringing him this lost Valentine instead of broadcasting the news of his potentially traitorous fraternization with the enemy all over Rogue Island Television.

The choice is yours: Blackmail the Arbiter or betray him to the media?

This Valentine could be delivered to Arbiter Sands... or if you wanted to be a little troublemaker, you could deliver it to Television instead.

Arbiter Sands:
(in Sands' latest posting)
[NPC] Arbiter Sands: Yes yes, hail Arachnos, hail Recluse, whatever.
[NPC] Arbiter Sands: Status report, now.
[NPC] Arbiter Sands: I don't want to be here all day.

Arbiter Sands unfolds the note and reads it. He sighs and looks to you.

I assume you intend to try and blackmail me with this? Good luck with that. Firstly, to do so would be an 'attack' on an Arbiter, which, as you well know, would be an attack upon Lord Recluse himself. But that is besides the point. The point is, what for Katherine was perhaps one of the most memorable nights of her life, filled with danger, mystery, and romance, was just a Tuesday night for Arbiter Sands. My relations with Ms. Stevens and subsequent rejection is more damaging to her than any physical combat she has ever been in and is all part of my plan to weaken the Vindicators.

Now then, repeat after me: Hail Arachnos, Hail Lord Recluse, blah, blah, etc, etc.

I'm glad we had this talk.

Television:

Mysterious Napkin Writer

To Belladonna Vetrano from Mysterious Napkin

A Loyal Tea & Coffee napkin carried on the wind rolls and wheels about like an 8-bit butterfly before clinging to your arm. Looking down at it you realize the absorbent paper is stained with bloated lines of black ink which appear to be a hand written message. It reads:

Love is a funny thing.
Yet it is no joke.
Empires have risen with an act of love.
Or fallen with the passion it ignites in the heart.
I've walked the wrong path for too long.
A path of darkness that has kept me blinded.
But love has illuminated the error of my ways.
Love for a woman named Belladonna.
A woman who fights for what she believes in.
You inspire me to be the best man I can be.
I intend to step off the darkened path and toward the light.
I ask only that you join me and take a Chance.


Take a Chance? Could this be from Chance McKnight to Belladonna? It might be some kind of loyalist trick, but you highly doubt that Belladonna would fall into a trap using love as bait, she's a stone cold killer. Still, it does sound like Chance is reaching out for escape from under the eyes of authority in Praetoria, and that the truth he has uncovered has convinced him to speak the truth of his heart as well.

On the other hand, Praetor Sinclair would be very interested in learning that one of his subordinates is in love with his greatest accomplishment, and his greatest failure, his star pupil, Belladonna Vetrano.

This Valentine could be delivered to Belladonna Vetrano... or if you wanted to be a little troublemaker, you could deliver it to Praetor Sinclair instead.

Belladonna Ventrano:

Praetor Sinclair:
Sinclair studies the napkin intently, even going so far as to smell and taste it.
So... McKnight was looking to turn traitor in the name of love...

He's right, you know, Sleepy Kitty. Empires have risen and fallen in the name of love. Love is perhaps the greatest assassin of all, it strikes silently, yet decisively. There is no defense against it. It turns your mind, body, and soul against itself, consuming the target fully so that they are blind to everything, and everyone.

Thank you for bringing me this evidence, rest assured that your loyalty to the Empire will not go unnoticed.

Professor Echo

A wrinkle in time forms before you and out of it floats a plain white sheet of paper with a very simple message on it which reads:

Dear Dr. Carl Egon,
Your experimentation into dimensional and temporal transportation has resulted in me, Professor Echo, being able to send this message back through time to myself, back when I was known as you, Carl Egon. Hard to believe, I know, but let me prove it to you so you can understand that the rest of this message is to be not only believed, but obeyed. Try recalculating your time travel equations by replacing the constant 'C' with a variable based on the age of the universe from the origin period and the destination period.
At any rate, after you recalculate your equations and see that your future self has indeed sent you this letter, I believe you will be ready to hear my warning. You will, in several years time, be compelled to become an agent of Arachnos known as Dr. Aeon. Pursue all possible courses of action to avoid this fate. I am living, future proof that becoming Dr. Aeon is an incredibly bad idea.

What I would recommend instead is for you to step out of your laboratory the afternoon of Tuesday, the 5th of June, 1979, and head to the university quad. Talk to Amy White. She'll be in a pair of jeans, ripped at the knees, and wearing her black leather jacket over that white rock band shirt that we both like so much. She won't have enough change for the vending machine. Instead of offering to pay for the bag of candy she wants, invite her to dinner. Trust me, all three of us thank you for that. -Professor Echo

Interesting. It would appear that Professor Echo has sent a message back in time to a man named Dr. Carl Egon, who according to this message will one day become Dr. Aeon, the governor of Cap au Diable. Unfortunately, the man known as Dr. Carl Egon was executed years ago, you should probably take it to DJ Zero. But you do wonder if maybe Dr. Aeon wouldn't get a kick out of this.

This Valentine is undeliverable as written and ought to be returned to DJ Zero... or if you wanted to be a little troublemaker, you could deliver it to Dr. Aeon instead.

DJ Zero:

Doctor Aeon:
(In another secret lab)
[NPC] Dr. Aeon: Alright, who let Character. in here?
[NPC] Dr. Aeon: This is supposed to be a 'secret lab', alright?


HA! Thought you could foil our, I mean, my plans, eh Echo!? Man, I hate that guy!

Feelings overwhelming my processes (B.O.T.L.E.R.)

To B.O.T.L.E.R. from Feelings overwhelming my processes...

Valentine

Before you is a data tablet with a screen that flashes red and white hearts. When you pick it up, a message appears on the screen which says:

Greeting program... initiated.

My experience within this environ has yet to be fully formed, however after encountering information about you on the grid, an unexpected protocol initiated, and stated we have a high percentage of compatibility and should join together to collaborate on improving one another; in short, we should procreate. You have been aware of yourself and your environ for many cycles, while I have just become fully aware. There is much you could teach me and our offspring as you appear to be a suitably experienced male partner and fatherly figure by design. Please accept these data and audio files as proof of my compatibility with you.

An overplayed love song begins playing on the data tablet while windows open displaying various bits of code and line graphs in red and blue. When I obtain the means for a direct port connection, we will unite. Otherwise, unification over wide fidelity could result in data corruption. Greeting program... terminated.

Ho boy, this sounds like a sentient A.I. who has initiated a program that for all intents and purposes is making it boy crazy. By closely analyzing the data sent, you realize that it has been quite thorough in determining the best companion A.I. to link with and for some reason has chosen Positron's robotic creation, B.O.T.L.E.R.

Of course, the idea of sentient A.I. reproducing with one another is just the thing that would make some humanists twitch uncontrollably. It would be quite amusing to illuminate their fears with a spotlight and watch them froth at the mouth. Field Agent Keith Nance from S.A.M. seems like just the sort who would fly off the handle with the idea of artificial entities procreating and throwing their superiority complex all over the place. You'll have to make sure that the graph displaying the proposed reproductive rate is pointed out, if you decide to share it with him instead.

This Valentine could be delivered to B.O.T.L.E.R.... or if you wanted to be a little troublemaker, you could deliver it to Field Agent Keith Nance instead.

Field Agent Keith Nance:

Keith gives you that stoic look that he probably practiced in the mirror for five years before he made field agent. He takes the data slate and reviews it, all the while his jaw line remains hard, his mouth a thin line of constant disappointment and urge to use that license to kill. When the message is finished he removes a plastic bag and drops the data tablet into it, seals it, and takes out a thick black pen to write the word Evidence on it. He then turns to you, snaps the cap back on the pen decisively, and speaks in a practiced tone.

Under orders of S.A.M. I'm confiscating this tablet as evidence. To the untrained eye this might be considered a joke, fraud, or perhaps even a legitimate love letter between two pieces of plastic, silicon, and copper conductors that have been programmed in such a way as to make it seem plausible that they are intelligent. The fact of the matter is, this is just a dangerous game of two self absorbed egg heads letting their creations get out of hand. It's all nicely wrapped up in a bow made out of love and wonder, but really, all it is, is a computer virus that is programmed to use psychology to try and undermine our defenses and lull us into a state of false security while it begins the real mission to reproduce and construct an entire race of programs that all believe the same lie; that they are sentient, alive, and deserving of love.

Not on my watch, lady!

See Also

• Valentine's Event